The Man Your Man Could Smell Like

Hello Ladies. Look at your man. Now look back at me. Look at your man again. Now back at me! Sadly, your man is not me. But he could be a lot more like me if he did extremely manly things during a volunteer trip in Mexico.

Let me explain. The other day, I did something that I had never done before. It was, in a few words, the most testosterone driven demonstration of masculinity ever to take place upon the North American continent. Allow me to share it with you:


Kelly and I arrived home to realize that we did not have the key to the front door. We rang the doorbell multiple times and no one answered. Unsure of what to do, we started to weigh our options. The surrounding trees were too short for a suitable slingshot, Kelly's lock-picking tools were inside, and neither of us had levitated in a while. So, after a few minutes of head-scratching, we realized that we had only one available option: the manly option.


No big deal. That's just me. Scaling a sheer cement wall with nothing to secure myself. Using a metal hook to pull myself up and over the top. All in a day's work. Didn't even break a sweat.



Once on the roof, the trick was getting down. Luckily, I was able to shimmy along the back patio roof until I got to the garden. From there I jumped down onto some old tires and unlocked the front door from the inside.



Like I said, it was really no big deal. It's the kind of thing that guys like me do all the time. Kind of like breathing, but manlier.



I don't know if it was my usual breakfast of a dozen eggs and bacon-wrapped steak but I was feeling really manly after climbing into the house. I decided to go lift tires in the backyard to try and harness some of the macho-ness coursing through my veins. (Side note: This is actually how I worked out for the first month I was here. Now I just go to the gym.)



Sometimes lifting tires just isn't enough. Seeing as there weren't any bears to punch or steel wool to knit with, I decided to do some chin-ups on the side of the patio.



After that, I decided that the best way to end my manly day was by trimming my beard. This was manly for a few reasons: 1.) You can't trim a beard if you don't have one to begin with, 2.) It involves electricity and sharp things, and 3.) Trimming means you are keeping the beard (manly) but are telling the beard that you are in charge (even better).


Even with my manly day over. I was still left thinking about when I had felt so virile in the past. I'd like to share some of these memories with you:


There was that time when I went hunting and bagged my very first Care Bear. The meat was a little gamey but the fur kept me warm during that entire winter.



And who could forget when Joe and I won the World Cup together! It's one of those memories that you really just cherish...



A tribute to my own manliness would also be completely lacking if Neil Diamond Night were left out. There's just something about "Sweet Cracklin' Rose" that makes my chest hair grow at about twice it's normal rate. (Who's that foxy blonde in the orange shirt?)



Bottom Line: Sometimes you just gotta let yourself be as manly as you wanna be. Whether you're climbing a cement wall or serenading your sweetheart with a guitar full of puppies, the manly choice is always a good choice.

One Year!

We can't believe it's been one year! To celebrate, we decided to catch a bus to another one of Mexico's "Magic Cities". Without further ado, we proudly present Mexico Travel Diary: Cuetzalan.



We decided to get some tortas for our bus ride. I was really confused, however, because no one ever took down my name at the restaurant (they call it out when your order is finished). Everyone just somehow knew that the order for two tortas belonged to me and I couldn't figure out why. That is, until I read what was written on the bag. If you zoom in beneath "sin picante" (no chile) and "sin tomate" (no tomato) you will find "Guero" (white guy). I would just like to reiterate that that would just not fly in the States.


This is the biggest-numbered bill we have ever held. It was also physically huge (Mexican money gets bigger as the value increases). I think that the million peso bill even doubles as a placemat!



As soon as we arrived, we were identified as tourists (Us? How could they tell!?!). Luckily, though, a young guy offered to take us to "the cleanest hotel" in the entire city. What was really strange was actually how incredibly clean it was! It turned out to be a great place and even had two fans! This was one of our many attempts to capture ourselves and the view from our balcony.


On Saturday morning we headed to the town center for some breakfast. We found this great little place called "La Epoca de Oro" (The Golden Age) that had great food and great decorations. In this picture, you can see both the extensive butterfly collection on one wall and the incredible tenacity of Oaxacan quesillo. Note to self: if ever forced to bungee jump using food instead of a bungee-cord, choose Mexican cheese.



After breakfast we took a five-minute bus ride to an area of the sierra called "Las Brisas". It was here that we learned that Mexican researchers have found a way to isolate dinosaur genetic material from mosquitoes trapped in fossilized tree sap....



We hiked our way to this waterfall and even jumped in for a bit. In this case, jumped is being used in a very loose way. A better word might be "inched in little by little while trying to convince ourselves that we couldn't possibly get frostbite on such a warm day".



Brian and Kelly Awkward Moment #519 - A young Mexican tour guide offered to show us the way to a different waterfall for 50 pesos. We decided against it because we didn't feel like hiking any more and because Kelly was feeling a little bit sick. On our way back to the bus stop, however, we met a necklace vendor who told us that hiking to the other waterfall was really easy and possible without a tour guide. He even showed us the path and told us which turns to take. By that time, Kelly was feeling a bit better so we decided to give it a shot. It was about two-thirds of the way up the trail that we hear someone coming up the trail behind us. I look back and there is the same tour guide from the bottom of the falls. I wish someone would have taken a picture of our faces. His was a face of pure betrayal that said "You told me she was sick!". Mine was a look of absolute terror that said "Please do not try and kill us!"



No electricity in the entire city? No problem! We were still able to find some cheap food and the world's most attentive waiter. You can't really beat a view like this one either! Little did we know, the electricity would go out three more times that evening. Every time it did, we could hear a wave of "Awwww man!" rush down the entire block.



Have you ever seen such an amazing check-holder? I'm pretty sure our waiter made this himself in a final attempt to satisfy absolutely all of our needs and/or wants. This was, of course, after he swallowed flaming knives, let me use his back instead of a plate, and wiped the crumbs off of our table using his own eyelashes. And to think, all of this was still easily under 9 dollars!




Dear Readers of this Blog,
We apologize for the nightmares that you will undoubtedly have because of this picture.
Sincerely,
Brian and Kelly

Seriously, though, does this creep anyone else out as much as me? It was the advertisement for a mother and daughter corn-vending duo called "Las Gueras". As you might expect, they looked a whole lot less "guero" once we rolled into town...



#1 Reason to Visit Mexico: Amazing People
Aimee, Javier, and Maria have basically adopted Kelly and I as their third and fourth children. We love spending time with them and will really miss them when we are gone. As a present for our anniversary, Aimee made us this heart-shaped strawberry mousse with real strawberries on top. This was Act of Kindness # 1,428 and they just keep them coming. We are learning so much from them and will definitely be staying in contact once we're gone.




This should be a video of our visit to "Las Brisas". I get the strange feeling that Blogger employees spend their lunch break laughing over my repeated attempts to upload videos. We will see...

Last but not least, here are 10 things we have learned during our first year of marriage:

10. Any attempt to avoid talking like your parents is futile. At some point, no matter what, you will say something like "Hey do you want some pancakeys?" or "Should we hit up Wally World after the movie (pronounced move-eye)?".

9. Your strengths and weaknesses can really even each other out.

8. I can never be left alone to do the grocery shopping.

"Brian! You got three bananas, seven slices of bread, and 13 potato chips? They don't even come in that quantity..."
"I know! What a deal, right?"

7. Kelly's Life Lesson 101 - Everything is better warmed up. Peanut butter and nutella sandwiches, leftovers, ice cream, etc.

6. Sundays are the best days of the entire week.

5. Always believe the best about each other. More often than not, it's actually true. And when it's not, your belief makes the necessary difference anyways.

4. Kelly is a liar in the mornings. You cannot trust anything she says when she is waking up.

"Kelly. Wake up! Don't you have to be at the school by 7:00?"
"No. A rogue wave from the Great Salt Lake came through Provo last nite and school was cancelled. Just give me a few more minutes..."

Fifteen minutes later:

"Oh my goodness! I have to be to school in seven minutes! I am so dead!"

3. Brian is the best note leaver of all time. He left a note in the lunches that he packed for me every day during my student teaching for 3 MONTHS! And they weren't the same every day either. This is clearly not because there are that many awesome things to say about me, but because he is extremely creative.

2. Kelly is the unsinkable Molly Brown of positive thinking. Her immediate reaction to anything is to laugh. She will slip and fall down in the nasty flooded streets of Mexico and come out of it with a smile that most people don't even wear on their wedding day. Sometimes being positive is the only thing you can do and she really does it well.

1. No matter how much we do, it all pales in comparison with what God does for us. We have been immensely blessed during our first year together and we are so grateful for God's constant care and that of our family and friends.

Real #1. Don't take marriage advice from people who have only been married for a year. What do they know anyways?

You Ever Had Feelings For A Nun?

Because we have! (Explanation later...)

Brian and Kelly proudly present: Travel Diary #2 - Taxco, El Rollo, and Puebla


This picture captures the feeling of Taxco perfectly. All of the taxis are vintage beetles and the town has ups and downs that make San Francisco look like weak sauce.


Taxco feels a lot more like Spain than Mexico. That is ... until you interact with a human. Then it feels very much like "not Spain".


We took this picture from the giant statue of Christ that you can see at the top right of the previous picture. Personally, I think Taxco kinda looks like a giant bra. Any other ideas?


Could it really claim to be a true Mexican town without having a Cathedral?


This is where our trip took a turn from amazing to one of the coolest things any of us will ever do. When they found out we were going to Taxco, Kira's host family suggested that we stay at the Betania Monastery instead of a hotel. We were all a little confused and curious about how it would work but it turned out great. It was about thirty seconds after arrival that one of us starting humming "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" It was about four days later that we all finally stopped...


Have any of you ever been on a first date and wondered what the best way to say goodbye is?
"Should I hug him/her?"
"Should we kiss?"
"Should I just akwardly pat his/her arm?" (Maybe that one was just me...)
Now imagine that you were on that date with a group of nuns! I was seriously bewildered as to how I should say goodbye to them. Here in Mexico, you kiss women on the cheek when you leave their house. But, what about when leaving some Nuns at a monastery? I've just never had occasion to Google "proper Nun farewell protocol". Finally, I just had to ask.

Bizarre Life Bingo Card: Kiss a Nun. Check!


They had some pretty sweet digs at the monastery. It was out in the middle of the forest and made for a really chill couple of nights.
Basically, it works like this: The monastery has tons of extra rooms. They let people come stay and eat for free. At the end of your stay, you give a donation of however much you feel is appropriate. They also sell candles, honey, granola, cookies, and drinks that they make themselves. (The picture at the top of the blog is us with the Mother Superior and the Sister in charge of the candle workshop.)
All in all, it was an experience like Nun other! (Nun puns are the best!)


The Lord's cookies.


We took this picture just so we could caption it with "Would you like to join me in my quarters later for some toast?" (And, Yes, that is pre-toasted bread straight from a bag. It's actually really delicious!)


Awkward Brian Moment #343
"So Nuns, can I maybe like share this room with Kelly? I mean... we're married. I promise. Oh, where's my ring? It fell off when I was cliff-jumping a few weeks ago..."


Coolest bathroom of all time!


To get to and from the monastery we had to take a "combi". Just imagine a hollowed-out Volkswagen van with some benches in it. Now imagine that same van with everyone you know inside of it! On this particular morning, we shared our sweet ride with 17 people!


I have been trying to imagine a wound severe enough to merit stopping at this "Doctor's office" instead of finding anywhere else to go. We found it while winding our way through a local market in Taxco. I think it was right in between the booth selling fish heads and the old woman selling straw placemats. On the plus side, your entire visit would only cost 30 pesos (about $2.50). Still, I can't help but think your $2.50 might be better spent asking the cashier at your local Wendy's to check you out...


During our second day the monastery, we decided to go check out Las Grutas de Cacahuamilpa. They are about 2 kilometers long and really really impressive. It was really hard to get pictures to turn out so I stole this one from the official Grutas website.


This is about as good a picture as we could get. They actually make you hold the entrance up while the previous group goes on the tour.


The next two pictures kinda sum up our group dynamic here in Mexico. Here we have a fun crazy group of girls.


Here we have me with all the other guys in the group.


Next time you are thinking "Man. My job sucks!" Just remember, you are not these ladies. They get the enormous privilege of handing out toilet paper inside of a cave all day.


You know how normal people put pictures up of their family smiling together wearing matching shirts? Not in our house! I think that this picture should hold a prominent place above our sofa. It really captures the essence of our relationship: I'm on edge because Kelly is always looking for a chance to scare me.


On Day 3, we decided to go to El Rollo. It is touted as the best water-park in Latin America and it did not disappoint. The highlight of the whole day was the "rio con olas" which literally means "river with waves". A better translation would be "really lazy river". About once every minute, a wave shoots through the river and pushes you forward at the speed of light. I think Jim Gaffigan must have been involved in the design process because El Rollo found the only way to make a lazy river even less work than it already was.


We ended our trip in Puebla where I found a sweet gift for Kelly.


And the biggest orange-strawberry juice we had ever seen!


We also found the coolest hand-knit sweaters on the entire planet!


And Brittan found the man of her dreams!


Finally! We were able to find a church and actually get there in time for Sacrament Meeting! Way to go Puebla!


The moral of the story is: you could up as happy as these people or us if you choose to stay with Nuns on your next vacation.

You Actually Work?

Yes. We do!



And to prove it, here is a compilation of our favorite teaching moments from the first part of this semester:

Everyday we come to class prepared with an activity to complete with our students. While we do whatever we planned, we practice the English necessary to talk about whatever we are doing. One day, I decided to make flowers with my Kindergarten class. I made a prototype out of a pipe cleaner, sandwich baggie, rubber band, and cotton ball that I thought looked pretty good. I was humbled, however, when I pulled it out of my bag and began the following conversation:

"Hey everybody! What did I bring today?"
Dead silence.
"C'mon, what does it look like to you?"
Confused stares.
"...a snake?"

Translation: "Teacher Brian, the slapstick's your bread and butter. Keep pretending to eat grass and pour glue on your head. Crafts just aren't your thing."

In case you are wondering, we made snakes that day.


During the course of a normal class, we ask the students to repeat what we say at least fifty times. We model the right way to say things and then they follow the pattern we set as best they can. For that reason, we try to say things that they would need to say based on the situation. For example, if your student drops their pencil, you might say "I dropped my pencil!" and have them repeat that same phrase back to you. It is incredibly effective but has sometimes gotten me into trouble.
I don't remember exactly what we were doing on this particular day, but it involved black markers. My student Julian needed to draw something and tried several markers without any success. They were all dried-out, old, or completely broken.
Finally, he gives me a look of total exasperation and I decide to model the language he needs at that moment. Without realizing it, I say "There are no working blacks!" and the entire class repeats it back to me.
Yeah. Just let that one sink in for a moment...



When I'm not teaching Kindergartners, I teach Sixth graders. Sounds terrible but it really isn't! Anyways, every week I am supposed to prepare one math lesson, one science lesson, and one social studies lesson. Whether or not they actually learn math, science, or social studies is completely irrelevant (the class we always dreamed of as children...) because we just want them to learn the English necessary to talk about it.
One day, I decided to prepare a social studies lesson on different parts of the world and the famous attractions and sites there. I showed them pictures of different tourism posters and then they made their own for whatever place they wanted. Raul chose Canada (which is wildly popular here for some reason), Ale chose Mexico City, and Nydia chose my English class.
I was flattered that she chose my class and was excited to see what she would put on her poster. My anticipation continued to grow as I watched her grab all sorts of markers and glitter pens. It was a bit like A Christmas Story when Ralphie daydreams about getting an A+++++ on his Red-Rider BB Gun theme.
Finally, I was brought back down to Earth when she proudly displayed her poster that read:

"Teacher Brian. Great. The best class of English!"

In her defense, I am great and I do have the best class of English.



Finally, I would like to share the events of one day that I have affectionately termed "The Perfect Storm".

In my Kindergarten class, there is one student that God put there as payback for everything I put my parents through as a child. As some of you may know, I suffered from some pretty intense separation anxiety until I was about ten or eleven years old. The student in my class, however, makes the tear-soaked panic episodes of my past look like the work of a mere amateur. Without further ado, I present "The Perfect Storm":

I arrive at the school to find that everything is surprisingly calm. Too calm. We manage to get all of the kids into our room and we start our normal routine: today's date, girls camp songs, today's weather, girls camp songs, classroom rules, girls camp songs, girls camp songs, and more girls camp songs ( Have I mentioned that we sing a lot of girls camp songs?).
About midway through "The Princess Pat", Michelle pulls on my shirt and points to her arm. Apparently it was hurting (I sometimes wonder if there isn't a children's fight club being run in Tehuacan because she shows up everyday with some sort of new wound or ailment that makes it impossible for her to participate in class). Apparently I didn't show enough sympathy because she started to weep and fell over onto a table.
After a few minutes of this, I persuaded her to stand behind her desk and look at the other teacher. Unfortunately, in turning to stand up she caught a glimpse of her Dad picking up her little brother at the classroom next door. (I still do not understand why he decides to have long in-depth conversations in front of our sliding glass doors everyday but I have resigned myself to letting his daughter cry until he decides it's time to make her stop himself or take her home with him.)
Anyways, after about ten solid minutes of what the Book of Mormon would describe as "weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth", Michelle decided that she could manage to sit in a chair and participate in class again. While sitting down, however, she noticed that her shoe was untied.
No big deal, right?
False!
While tying her shoe, she caught a glimpse of the microscopically invisible wound on her arm again and started to cry some more.
Maybe it was all of the water running down her face, but, after another solid weeping session, she decided that she had to go to the bathroom at that moment or the world would end. Normally we don't let them go during class but sometimes you've gotta pick your battles.
I went with her to the bathroom and waited outside. While she was washing her hands, I turned around to get something and she immediately vanished. (Sweet! Problem solved, right?)
Lucky for me, the school is not that big and I was able to find her after only a few minutes. She was behind the lunchroom playing with her dog?!?!?!?!?
Really? Her dog? Can I just go ahead and award them the "Parents of the Year" award right now?
You can imagine the tears that were shed and the tantrums that were thrown as I persuaded her to leave her dog and join us again for class. Surprisingly, all went well for about ten minutes or so until the grand finale occurred.
Michelle jumped out of her chair, ran to the glass doors, and started to scream and cry. Searching for the source, I looked out the window and beheld something incredible: her Mom (Does anyone in this family work?) was standing right in front of our classroom talking with the principal. What were they talking about? I have no idea. I couldn't hear them over the sound of the dog barking in her Mom's hands!
This was one of those moments when I truly just gave up. After about five minutes, her Mom noticed the crying and came over to our room. She gave me a look of "Why aren't you taking care of this?" and waited for an explanation.
I probably should have handled the situation better, but I didn't. I just looked at her Mom, said "Why is her dog here?!?!?" in English, and went and sat down.
I had fought the good fight but it was over. To this day, nothing has rivaled that day (not even the day when the school threw a party during our class and set the Dance Dance Revolution arcade game right outside our door!) and I hope nothing ever does.