Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Man Your Man Could Smell Like

Hello Ladies. Look at your man. Now look back at me. Look at your man again. Now back at me! Sadly, your man is not me. But he could be a lot more like me if he did extremely manly things during a volunteer trip in Mexico.

Let me explain. The other day, I did something that I had never done before. It was, in a few words, the most testosterone driven demonstration of masculinity ever to take place upon the North American continent. Allow me to share it with you:

Kelly and I arrived home to realize that we did not have the key to the front door. We rang the doorbell multiple times and no one answered. Unsure of what to do, we started to weigh our options. The surrounding trees were too short for a suitable slingshot, Kelly's lock-picking tools were inside, and neither of us had levitated in a while. So, after a few minutes of head-scratching, we realized that we had only one available option: the manly option.

No big deal. That's just me. Scaling a sheer cement wall with nothing to secure myself. Using a metal hook to pull myself up and over the top. All in a day's work. Didn't even break a sweat.

Once on the roof, the trick was getting down. Luckily, I was able to shimmy along the back patio roof until I got to the garden. From there I jumped down onto some old tires and unlocked the front door from the inside.

Like I said, it was really no big deal. It's the kind of thing that guys like me do all the time. Kind of like breathing, but manlier.

I don't know if it was my usual breakfast of a dozen eggs and bacon-wrapped steak but I was feeling really manly after climbing into the house. I decided to go lift tires in the backyard to try and harness some of the macho-ness coursing through my veins. (Side note: This is actually how I worked out for the first month I was here. Now I just go to the gym.)

Sometimes lifting tires just isn't enough. Seeing as there weren't any bears to punch or steel wool to knit with, I decided to do some chin-ups on the side of the patio.

After that, I decided that the best way to end my manly day was by trimming my beard. This was manly for a few reasons: 1.) You can't trim a beard if you don't have one to begin with, 2.) It involves electricity and sharp things, and 3.) Trimming means you are keeping the beard (manly) but are telling the beard that you are in charge (even better).

Even with my manly day over. I was still left thinking about when I had felt so virile in the past. I'd like to share some of these memories with you:

There was that time when I went hunting and bagged my very first Care Bear. The meat was a little gamey but the fur kept me warm during that entire winter.

And who could forget when Joe and I won the World Cup together! It's one of those memories that you really just cherish...

A tribute to my own manliness would also be completely lacking if Neil Diamond Night were left out. There's just something about "Sweet Cracklin' Rose" that makes my chest hair grow at about twice it's normal rate. (Who's that foxy blonde in the orange shirt?)

Bottom Line: Sometimes you just gotta let yourself be as manly as you wanna be. Whether you're climbing a cement wall or serenading your sweetheart with a guitar full of puppies, the manly choice is always a good choice.


  1. I don't remember posing for that picture at the top of the blog but I also don't remember being black either...I did something so manly the other day that Chuck Norris found a picture of me on the internet, silk screened my face onto a few pairs of his underwear and gave them out as gifts at his latest Awesome-est Man of the Year party. Hi Kelly.

  2. Your crack me up...I'm sure Kelly does not ow what to do with sooooo much manliness around! :)